Montaigne in Barn Boots by Michael Perry

Author:Michael Perry
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2017-09-30T04:00:00+00:00

5

MARRIAGE

PROXIMITY, WITH ME, LESSENS NOT DEFECTS, BUT RATHER AGGRAVATES THEM.

While those first two commas lend Montaigne some interpretive wiggle room, I’m just going to go ahead and read the line without the punctuation and with my wife in mind.

If I were her, I wouldn’t put up with me.

I’m not saying that in the ain’t-I-a-scamp, shoot-you-the-elbow, knowing-nod sort of way. I’m saying that in the No, seriously, sense.

Here is a story I have told previously (the dialogue has morphed with time but the punch line remains the same): A woman who had recently heard me speak at a public event encountered Anneliese in the store. “It must be wonderful to be married to Mike,” the woman gushed.

“Ermmm . . .” said Anneliese, clearly too love-struck to respond more specifically.

“He’s so funny!”

“Yes he is,” said Anneliese, who, possessed of her own comic timing, paused a half-beat, then, as if finishing the woman’s sentence, added, “. . . onstage.”

I cannot contest the distinction.

Life with me can be miserable. As a husband I am loyal, faithful, and true in the fundamental sense, but fundamentalism is rarely about fun. Around the house, I am a moody grump and barking dad, prone to sulking and obsessive anxiety, impatient with everyone including myself (although far more indulgent of myself). I can burn three days crafting a loving description of a single spirea blossom but pass those same three days stepping over but failing to observe the laundry basket in the bedroom doorway.

Framed in an essay, this is fodder for chuckly anecdotes.

Framed in the bedroom doorway, it is just fodder.

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